then it dawns on me....i don't care enough anymore to even do that. and that is when you realize your over someone and all the drama they brought to your life....when you want to say something, but the effort isn't even worth it. i feel like i've won a tiny battle somehow, but then it's obvious that little battle was only against myself, and my dumbness for always letting the past get to me.
i know i seem to think of the good things, the nice memories combined with the warm feelings of 'i hope it lasts and feels like this forever' that your brain can't let go of sometimes. or is that just me? i know no one can live in the past.....but it does make you a part of what you are now because it's transformed you to this day now. the present.
it hurts to think about those good things now. the person i heard from every single day and spent alot of time with and formed alot of memories, good and bad. but as soon as those bad ones start seeping in.....it eats away at me little by little until i'm seething with all kinds of bitterness. i hate the sound of my parents voice, i cringe everytime they start talking. i probably am a little too rude when responding to them i just....have had it with this ongoing feeling of being a kid forever. i mean, it's kind of my own fault though. and that makes me even more bitter to accept the responsibility of not blaming other people, even though they are retarded and partly at fault for alot of things. it does no good pointing fingers really.......
i'm the one that made the choice to run after james all the time, knowing for a good while, in that section of your heart that never shuts up but you never listen to either...yea that section....that our relationship was set for doom, and it wasn't functional OR healthy. but i guess there's at least one love in everyone's life that blinds them. i don't know.
it's my fault i never pushed myself to go into school and do something after i graduated. everyone says it's not too late now, but i really feel like it is. i can't even put myself together to drag myself out of the house during the day cause i don't feel like going anywhere. i don't have the motivation to "better" myself, because at the top of my head, there's the loathing for stress, and knowing once i start adding things to my plate, even if it's eventually going to be good for me, will tear me down even further in the process of trying to 'get there'.
there's daycare to worry about, babysitters, hours made precisely on a perfect organized schedule, retarded senile parents being my only root system to help, selfish family all around me waiting for help and handouts and having a hard time, being there for someone who needs it.
fuck i need all kinds of help don't i.
when my parents start talking about the end of the world, and the 'rapture' as they call it. i honestly, can't wait. i think everyday how nice it would be if this world would just come to a conclusion already. i hate money, i hope that disappears. i hope everyone would shut the fruck up about governments and the problems they bring and how all their plans won't work. everyone is so fucking pessimistic about everything, but when i allow myself to be negatively realistic, i'm a fucking downer.
if i had just kept my legs closed and punched that cracker in the face the first time he put a finger on me in a harmful way, i'd be childless, and i'm sorry to say, but there's two things that could have happened from there. i'd either turned to drugs and drinking because i loved those things so much, and i'd be some crazy junkie right now......or i would have reached the point, maybe after partying some, that i knew i'd have to get my shit together.
kids don't let me get my shit together. they make my brain crumble apart. right now one of them keeps pulling at my hair, and their jumping all over the beds i keep making and piliing toys i already out away into random places, and asking for something to drink literally every 10 or less minutes at LEAST so that i can't do ANYTHING steadily. my entire meaningless and uneventful day is filled with such chaos....and yet it's filled with nothing.
crazy people don't know their crazy, and i think depressed people shouldn't really be able to diagnose themselves as depres
sed. but i think i'm fucking depressed and it's getting worse.
i loathe the idea of going to sleep because i think, great, now i have to close my eyes and wait for another shitty routine day to come. and then when i wake up, it's....great....here it is......again......my life.
what can i do to pick myself up. probably seriously start studying my permit book so i can work on my license. i told myself.....get your fucking license so you don't have to depend on anyone to drive you anywhere. and yet, i let myself push it aside cause i don't have the book, the one i DID have was outdated, and i purposely destroyed it by using it to kill flies.
i honestly don't want to drive, the very idea makes me nervous. with my luck. i'll be the girl who waited forever to get her license and then fucking ran someone over or hit someone and seriously injured someone, and swears to never drive again. and will when that happens. but...here's the part that let's you know, 'right she's still fucked up in the head'......i'll be upset that i hurt someone else, all along wondering when it was gonna be my turn to be injured. and i'll be mad that it wasn't me that got plowed into.
i hate hospitals really i do. they smell. their so sterile their boring.
so when i'm fantisizing about getting run over, or smashed into and critically "injured"
....in no part of this demeneted fantasy am i in a hospital. get it?
ok zayas this in non-discussional too.
just writing what i feel right now.