Anne (gumiko) wrote,

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all in a day's worth

i know the current situation is an even bigger train wreck waiting to happen, i've been waiting for a good solid breakdown that hasn't happened yet, and now all this. well. maybe i'm one of those people that never fully breakdown. like some people seriously loose it, and haze out, black out whatever, and will do a bunch of beserk screaming and crying and all that fantastic draining stuff. ......but though i've felt my cup filling and filling to the brim, i think i'm just one of those people that right before the cup falls over to pour out, i always straighten it. i've realized several times i put myself into a lot of reality/sober/mental checks to keep me from being completely crazy. i guess i'd just rather slice something open then go crazy on someone. damn that self consious shit of taking crap on myself all the time.

these extra kids. i can't even stand my own 2 alot of the time. but maybe they'll even each other out and realize each of them can't be pretty little drama queens cause there's just not enough anne to pay attention all the time. but thats when the trouble starts. destruction. madness. just....the huge amounts of pain that radiate from that tiny point deep within my brain start vibrating and i want to start punching things and yes, i feel like crying. but the crying never comes. the anger always wins first. always. i guess i have some rage issues i'd like to thank my father, another wonderful trait you've let down to me. thanks. oh and thanks for the impatient, though i'd have to admit i'm alot better off in that department then you are baldy. shit. taking my kid up, dragging him by his arm, with a belt, while he's hysterical because he's afraid of you.

and then it happens. my momentary overload of stress, simmers down into complete dark animosity towards james and his lack of presense, his ever lasting effect of deadbeatness, abadonment and let downs thats left me this way, raising my children with the people that fucked up my own childhood. if you could call that a childhood.

well i talked to his mom. he's in miami now, he turned into a carnie. and though that makes me laugh a little each time i think that, the fact that's he started drinking again and is back to "why bother with anything" like seeing/talking on the phone to his kids, but he has all the time in the world and comfort to get plastered......well hot damn....what an outstanding fucking citizen you are. you should win deadbeat dirtbag father of the year. oh wait.....nah....i'll give that award to that guy who shoots up in his neck.
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