there's the issue of my sister, like, i guess she'll forever be my parents main concern, which is cool, whatever, i personally don't like them and porb wouldn't bother with them if they weren't related to me, but shit really? all the things she's done, and she still manages to grasp all their focus and i'm like, the "goody goody" daughter because for the most part i haven't let drugs, sex and whatever run my life, like she has, and i can't even have a convo with my mom cause my voice gets drowned out with her thoughts on my sister, or my dad.
there's another thing, when my mom is bothered by my dad which is usually all the time, she thinks i want to play her fucking therapist. like i'm supposed to be listening to her rants and problems and what she thinks, i'm supposed to figure out her marital problems for her, and give her really good advice that'll make her feel better about her life.....
and my life is shit. i could barricade myself in my room, slam the door in her face and yell at her to go away, and she'll still try to talk to me about my dad, like he's some stranger, and my mom is my patient. yea, i'm pretty sure i have donw that. she still talks. i tell her, don't talk about dad, she says "yea.....um........so guess what your dad said?"
i know someone can't claim to be alone, and have no one, and be depressed about this mass feeling of empty if .....they just sit there, if they don't go out or talk to anyone. those people are retarded. but what hurts the most, is for the most part living what shit my life is day to day, trying to make the best of it, taking care of my 2 kids who LOOK like the asshole who had them with me, but plays absolutely no part in their lives and doesn't bother to try, and now i get to take care of 2 more kids,. cause my sister is/was a mindless drug fiend who cares for nothing but herself and her carnal desires.
i've heard carnal isn't just about sex, so this isn't a reference to her whoring ways, but her failure to act as a "healthy" human being in general.
i don't even feel like she's my sister. i feel like i'm a foster care program participant, taking care of some stranger's kids. i've tried so many times to build some kind of sisterly bond with her, and i get nothing but a weird look, a few comments that actually portray we're related, and a have a nice day, wait.....i didn't even get that. last time i saw her and tried to say bye to her and give her a hug, she just wondered off without even looking me in the face. yea. that was when i left with her kids back home.
i have to look out my goddamn window everyday, at the big black guy who still lives across the motherfucking street, and wonder what's wrong with me that although the guy had some issues, that i'm sure if i were normal i could get over, but wonder why it is, i could blackguard someone because of being too nice, and too average, and...not making me feel the least bit of blood racing. i felt peaceful yea, but i don't feel like it says alot about me that....when it was peaceful, and we talked alot to "communicate" that....it made me feel eerie. like.....all the idea of normalness, made me feel out of place. maybe i do just want an asshole. i need to feel like....im important to someone and their capable of giving me the dysfunction i need, like, arguing, mild shit, i don't need another guy who just wants to ignore me and beat me.
if i ever meet another man who thinks he can hit me like i'm some man in a fight, i hope he finishes me off because i will go psycho on him.
i know being used to dysfunction isn't healthy, but, maybe its not exactly UNhealthy. does that make sense? i just know growing up with the family i did, and living here for so goddamn long when other people my age are gone, perhaps all the way across the country, making their lives and living on their own,----and i always get stuck coming back to this dinky north lauderdale town, always to florida.
that bothered me too. i had to go to my niece's open house thing, and she actually (well of course) goes to the school i went to when i was little, and a few of the teachers i remember are still there (some old ass bitches huh?) and id asked one of them about their son that was in my class, and would you believe it trully bothered me, to think how, yet another person, my exact age, newly married, and happy as all hell, living their life......
and i feel like.....did god look me over? like i planned to have 2 kids, by myself? like i planned to live with my parents and play referee, alone? like i wanted to be the fall back when my sister lost her kids, that if it weren't for my pathetic excuse of a life here, her kids would be in a foster program. oh and she has the entertaining idea to tell my mom on the phone yesterday night that quote "she did not lose custody of them"
THEN HOW IS IT THAT DCF TOOK THEM FROM YOUR ASS AND PLACED THEM IN OUR HOUSE, HOW IS IT THEY LIVE WITH US AND NOT YOU, HOW IS IT YOUR NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE THEM BY YOURSELF, THAT'S CALLED LOSING CUSTODY. WHEN YOU HAVE TO MEET CERTAIN REQUIREMENTS TO BE ABLE TO GET YOUR OWN CHILDREN SIGNED BACK OVER TO YOU, IT'S CALLED LOSING CUSTODY.
i feel so overwhelemed, so distraught,oo if i had money, i just might move my ass to kentucky purely for the change of scenary. cause the only other option i seem to have is to let my sanity fall and fall, until it's going to reach some point where it's dwindling, and i either for good lock myself into a room, or just....have complete abandonment for the things and people around me, children included. i feel like going psycho on james. when i get like this, the one thing i feel like really doing, is calling james, and venting the shit out of everything and making him feel bad. i want to make him feel so bad that HE'S suicidal. i want him to cry, so i can laugh at him crying. but the thing is.......i'm too good for that. i'm too goddamn stubborn to let him have the satisfaction of knowing i've reached that insane point. i don't want to talk to him, i don't need him. and all that wonderful yelling fantasy in my head, is trapped there.
and i'm saving it up for someone who deserves it more.
i want to move. or i want to find peace. is that too much to ask for? some peace. some kind of middle ground where i get to be happy and content with the little i do have.