i'm wondering who i can count on for when i finally snap. everytime i feel like im subsiding over that rising problem, i see its just a low tide and im being tricked for the ultimate tsunami. i feel like a rollercoaster. one good day one bad day one shitty day one worse day one day of complete neutral thats depressing.
i dont understand how i got put into a family like this when im so different from all of them. im sure we have our similarities, our genes are connected, we share traits, but how, just fucking how is it ok for me to be on this mental downward spiral when its so easy for everyone else to shrug it off and look it over like who cares.
everytime i get close to crying i cant even do that cause then i get pissed off that i might cry again when i havent for so long. getting pissed off about feeling vulnerable. i dont know why it bothers me so much that my sister makes the shittiest choices. guess who finally got her whoring ass knocked up? guess whose planning on having an abortion. might be a smart choice on her part (for once) because her husband has been in jail since january after all, i think hes going to be a little suspicious of his wife having a baby within 5 to 6 months of him getting out. plus the fact that the baby would look nothing like him when both his other kids do. not to mention she cant even take care of the 2 kids she has, why would you go get yourself pregnant.......by some stranger????
she sure is good at making them, just not taking care of them.
im keeping my mouth shut, its not my problem. but its another load on the alrewady stressed out cart of overwhelming shit this family pulls. i dont want you as a family. i want to be alone. its the guilty part of me that wishes id planned my own kids better so i could have some time alone. but of course given this information i would have kneed james in the balls from the first moment i met him to make sure he stayed away from me forever.
i hate everything about my life, and yet, theres a very strong urge deep in me that tells me im not, not to regret, not to hate, not to worry or stress out, cause things will turn out ok for me. thats the part thats connected to wanting to move away and start over and settle my life with my 2 kids, and thats about all. everything else can go to hell where this family is concerned. a select few of actual relatives will be able to get my care